Last night, was raining so hard in DC that I missed a turn-right sign, and got pulled over by police. I used my patented technique to avoid getting a ticket. I'll go ahead and share it with y'all. It works only if you're stopped in a city or in the suburbs and you weren't speeding.

Act happy and relieved (don't overdo it) to see the cop and immediately tell him/her that you're confused and lost. Say that you're looking for [a street that you know is nearby]. Act like if he/she and you're in cahoots, on the same side. They'll be like oh oh sure, let me give you directions.

I tried that about 5 times so far and it worked every time. The cops deep inside are tired of being assholes who do nothing but ticket people and eat donuts. So when an opportunity arises, they're so happy to be the shining knight for a change that they forget about the ticket. They, too, bleed red.

Before that encounter, I was at Irish Times. A handful of us went downstairs to that dance room. Eric and I invented a new dance. "ASL dance"- we'd dance to what we were saying. Even if what we said was "Dennis Cruz told me we should lift weights 3 times a day, every fucking day, recovery days are not necessary." We'd say that in the most rhythmic, sing-songy way possible, while dancing. Then 2 hearing girls joined to boogie with us, clueless to what we were up to ;)